


Introspection

by ozbian



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 05:46:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3639024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ozbian/pseuds/ozbian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha gives Steve truth and as much honesty about herself as is left to her and when she offers her throat he asks for a friend.</p>
<p>(An attempt to get inside Natasha's head.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Introspection

Steve appreciates honesty. Not only that, he responds well to it. It surprised Natasha, at first - honesty is a gift not often well received. 

She is familiar and comfortable with the use of honesty in her shadow-world. A distraction at a critical moment, a tool used sparingly to obtain trust, a weapon to be disarmed, a prize to be seized. 

But Steve lives in another place, somewhere brighter and simpler, and her own world is revealed to again be what it always was. _You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers._ Honesty from a god of lies. It would be ironic however everyone knows the best lies are true.

Natasha knows that the usual ciphers, the carefully chosen words both said and unsaid, the language of balancing loyalties, won't work with Rogers. 

_Look at the pretty nurse, she likes you_ (she watches you). _Your neighbour, she seems like she'd be your type_ (the pretty girl-next-door with the old-fashioned hair). _Well, living alone isn't that big a deal anymore_ (chivalry is foolish) (she's watching you, they're watching you, she's too well placed and too good at playing helpless and there's no way you're gonna see her coming).

Honesty is not something that comes easily, but. 

Fury is gone and Coulson is long gone and SHIELD is riddled with worms and Clint couldn't see them either and neither could Maria or maybe they already knew and Stark's morality is erratic at best and Banner can only be an intellectual or a hammer and there's no one else both trustworthy and in a position to be of any use. 

So she gives him truth and as much honesty about herself as is left to her and when she offers her throat he asks for a friend and.

Bright is something foreign to her and simple isn't stupid but he needs someone who knows how the world works now, a native guide to the shadow-world, someone to stop him getting lost in the past inside his head, someone to not be alone with and she. Needs someone she can trust to do good. Needs someone to watch her back. Needs a purpose she can tailor herself to. Needs a mission statement, a moral compass, a damned accountant. 

And then there is no time for doubt and introspection. only for mutually assured survival, and destruction. 

Her old world is immolated and the afterimages burn and burn and no matter how hard they try, no one will ever be able to hide it all again. The internet is forever, as they say. 

For a time there are occasions when her obvious presence in public is required. People see her, and know her past, and pull their children from her path. She is haunted by words half-heard from the conversations of strangers. She feels hunted and exposed, and she cannot do those tasks she was created for. 

It is nothing she did not expect. 

For a time Natasha helped Steve search for his ... Bucky. There are some resources that haven't been burnt out, since she not felt the need to report them. The Soldier's more noticeable pastimes include breaking into previously unknown safe-houses and laboratories around the country in varying stages of decay, wandering aimlessly around Brooklyn, and being spotted in public places and security cameras very far away from where their information said he had been.

She comes to believe that the Soldier is a thing like she was, when she first learned there were options other than those presented to her by those who claimed to have created her. What did I do, why did I do it, what do I do, who should I be.

Natasha chose wrong the first time round, independent assassin for hire. Joining SHIELD was her second chance, and that turned out wrong too, though not quite as badly. 

Since the Helicarriers, there's been no evidence that Soldier has hurt anyone who didn't have it coming. Hydra and gun runners don't qualify. Live by the sword, die by the sword. 

She found Steve where she expected to find him, looking haggard. She told him what she thought, more or less. Steve ran fingers through his hair and said, I'll try and give him space, but I'm not gonna stop looking. She hadn't expected him to. 

Then she talked about the Red Room, who she had been, what she had done, about hard choices, about what helped, about what came after. 

Then they talked haltingly around things like free will and delegation of morality and utilitarianism and personal culpability and betrayal and redemption.

It is not a comfortable conversation, but as with many uncomfortable things it was also necessary. Steve said at one point, Look I'm not a .. I'm not ... and Natasha replied, I'm not looking for you to tell me what's right and wrong, I know that doesn't work. I just ... don't have many friends outside. You have a different worldview.

They both agreed that things were much simpler when fighting an alien invasion.


End file.
